Amuse Bulletin: Guess Who’s Back?

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Written by Mahmoud Bondok

Not Slim Shady, definitely. The old regime? Maybe.  That annoying fortune teller down the street who calls me “3asal”? Unfortunately, yes. But the real answer for the question is…
<Drumroll>

AMUSE BULLETIN!

<Cheers>

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Seriously though, welcome back to Cairo Contra. You might have noticed through the previous joke-overcompensation that I’m trying extra hard to make this article funny in order to cover up all the pain and death that followed the violent clashes that took place all over Egypt following the dispersal of the protests, so of course, this article is going to suck BIG TIME. Nah, just kidding! See how we’re hilarious, awesome and single? Tell your friends (girls only).

What to do, what to do! News? NOPE, they’re too depressing! Today we’re going to have a nice, long spontaneous monologue by yours truly, to better instruct you in the divine arts of diversion. I am blessed with the ability to deflect questions and get out of giving a straight answer. So even though my editor is breathing down my neck , I am going to continue using up my word count while adding absolutely no value to the audience . Hahaha, I’m so smart. And single.

<CENSORED 18+ COMMENTS FROM THE EDITOR>

Hi again, this is Mahmoud Bondok and I’m here to professionally report the news without making any jokes because apparently no one here has a sense of humor (Just kidding, we rock!). Anyone who has lived on planet Earth for the past few weeks would know about the events in Egypt. The Muslim Brotherhood was practically eliminated from the political scene, and the government is systematically hunting down any remaining Muslim Brotherhood leaders on the loose to stand trial.

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The United States cannot seem to decide on a stance, it seems. On the one hand, Egypt is a very important strategic ally and vital for US national security. On the other hand, the Obama administration seems determined to protect their Muslim Brotherhood allies… I daresay we’ll find out soon enough, but maybe other countries should try not meddling in our affairs for once (since we’re obviously capable of handling them ourselves).

On that note, Barack Obama was publicly blackmailed today by Khairat El-Shater’s son; Saad Khairat El-Shater. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA -no, I’m serious. According to Al-Arabiya, El-Shater Jr. has declared today that he has some documents incriminating the president of the United States, and that he would release them unless his father is freed at once. A piece of brotherly advice; if you’re going to blackmail someone, don’t blackmail the president of the most powerful country in the world, because LOL. And if you still want to do it, don’t do it in public, where other people can, you know, hear you and throw you into jail for the rest of your days. “Publicly blackmailed” is an oxymoron, really; “Blackmail” and “In public” go together like driving and alcohol –REMEMBER THAT? HAHAHA, feels like a lifetime away but we’ll never be nostalgic as to that epitome of epic fail.

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Last but not least, I would like to make special mention of one Facebook page that I have found to be extremely annoying: The Happy Page. I have declared it my personal crusade to destroy that page, and have even dedicated an entire album of sarcastic pictures on my Facebook wall for them… Why, you ask? Because they’re ANNOYING. They draw silly black and white drawings of little midgets and caption them “Happiness is <insert idiocy>”… What’s most annoying isn’t the stupid pictures or their frustrating frolicking-naked-in-a-meadow, six-year old grasp of happiness, but rather their… well, six-year old grasp of happiness. Happy Page, please understand that Happiness isn’t “thinking of a stupid thing and then not saying it”; we call that THINKING BEFORE WE TALK.

And so, with this minimal bit of news that -you no doubt knew anyway- brings us to the end of this week’s Amuse Bulletin! (Achievement Unlocked: Avoid being serious).

DISCLAIMER: Cairocontra’s not responsible for any news we publish because we are not a credible source. Use of our articles in scholarly journals or school assignments are highly discouraged. Mahmoud Bondok is AWESOME. We like pie.

 

Your thoughts?

If you have any thoughts or comments, please feel free to express them in the comment section where we’ll totally read them and consider them and stuff. (<whispers>: Not really)

 

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