Amuse Bulletin: Belissimo Bassem

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Written by Mahmoud Bondok 

O Sensei O Sensei...
O Sensei O Sensei…

Let me start off this week’s article on a serious note: I am proud of Bassem Youssef, who also happens to be my protégé and my student. You have made your satire teacher very proud, Mr. Youssef, but I fear you still have much to learn. Next lesson, you will be expected to stand on one toe for five hours for seemingly no reason whatsoever… until I reveal it to you at the end of the movie. My son, you must be as swift as a cheetah, as graceful as a cat… as funny as Bondok. Well, you can try!

The return of Bassem Youssef in Season 2 of his show was not such a welcome sight for all Egyptians, however. Most Egyptians are currently in a state of eternal honeymoon with the Egyptian state authorities (such as the police, army, media) and many did not wish to see their support for the state authorities ridiculed by Mr. Bassem ,which is why the Egyptian Prosecutor General has referred of “insulting the president and the defense minister” to the Cairo Appeals prosecution, according to Al-Masry Al-Youm. Bassem Youssef has faced similar charges under Mr. Morsi’s rule, but was declared free of all charges.

The backlash against Mr. Bassem was very intense, so intense that the ever-so-calm-and-sensitive Mr. Osama Mounir dedicated almost fifteen minutes of his show to teach him the error of his ways, using lovely Osama Mounir-ish words such as “respect your older brother” -as a response to Bassem’s insulting his show- and calling him a “monologist” which I’m pretty sure is a dead profession. Let me take this moment to say that if Mr. Mounir were to say “ten million men died in the worst genocide in the history of mankind”, it would still probably sound soothing and comforting. Seriously, read it in his voice. Anyway, it’s worth a listen, so here’s a link.

Meanwhile, Ghada Abdel Razek has officially kicked off Oxymoron Week in Egypt, publicly accusing Mr. Bassem Youssef of airing inappropriate material on his show. I’m going to copy that and paste it again. Ghada Abdel Razek has officially kicked off Oxymoron Week in Egypt, publicly accusing Mr. Bassem Youssef of airing inappropriate material on his show. Does it make any more sense now? Because I’ve personally reread this sentence no less than five times and every time it gets funnier. Next, Mr. Adly Mansour will likely give a long speech about the importance of long speeches.

In other news, Egyptian Kung Fu champion Mohamed Youssef was awarded a Gold medal in Russia… and handcuffs in Egypt. Well, metaphorical ones, anyway. Mohamed (who looks remarkably like Silva from the movie Skyfall) wore a T-shirt with a symbol of Rabi’aa on it, in solidarity with the Islamist protesters who were dispersed from Rabi’aa Square not so long ago. In addition, the Egyptian Sports Minister has referred Mr. Mohammed to an investigation and the Egyptian Kung Fu Association has banned him from participation in the upcoming world championships. Seriously, can you believe this? Who was Mohamed’s opponent, Daniel Craig?

The resemblance is uncanny between Mr. Javier and Mohamed Youssef.
The resemblance is uncanny between Mr. Javier and Mohamed Youssef.

 

And the last bit of news we have for you today is that dozens of Egyptians were reported missing in the Libyan desert while attempting to illegally immigrate to Libya. Authorities have sent search and rescue missions and have so far recovered two bodies and a survivor. Reports say that the rest of the immigrants are currently trapped in a minefield while awaiting a donkey-riding Bedouin to tell them “Ma fi 2algham” are unconfirmed.

"Ma fi 2algham"
“Ma fi 2algham”

 

And thus ends another Amuse Bulletin entry. Cairocontra wishes you a happy week and I hope you enjoyed this article- ah who am I kidding, of course you did. Cairocontra would like to remind you that we know where you live and our Editor-in-chief will probably be visiting you tonight if you write bad reviews. Kind of like the Egyptian government! Get it? Get it??

We’re on a hiiiiiiiighway to jail ♫

 

DISCLAIMER: Cairocontra’s not responsible for any news we publish because we are not a credible source. Use of our articles in scholarly journals or school assignments are highly discouraged. Mahmoud Bondok is AWESOME. We like pie.

 

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See you all next week!

 

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