Amuse Bulletin: Swan Two Three Four

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Written by Mahmoud Bondok

Wait, what’s that in the sky?

Is it a bird?

Is it a plane?

Is it a spying Mossad bird-agent?

 

The STORK
The STORK

The verbal exchange shown above happened a little more than a week ago, when a villager in Qena noticed a bird with an electronic device attached to it. The man in question had delivered the bird in question to a police station, where it was locked up for days, where it was reportedly subjected to extreme torture, such as being referred to as a Swan even though it repeatedly tried to tell them that it’s a Stork; the inhumanity!

Anyway, the jinxed Stork was apparently hunted and eaten after being released into the wild, on an island in the Nile. So, there’s much joke potential here, it stops being funny. Edward Stork? Anyone? Obie Swan Kenobi? Any takers? Does no one get the Fantasy references nor the fact that these characters were also killed? People? Hellooo?

AH! What am I doing with my life?

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Will the real Slim Shady please stand up?

In other news, I woke up today to find my Facebook homepage full of references to the G-20 Summit, where apparently US president Obama called the Russian president  “A Jackass” and that “everyone in the summit thinks you’re a jackass”, including  David Cameron and “the Turkish guy”. Putin reportedly replied: “I’m supposed to be scared of this skinny man? I wrestle with bears.” I think I should point out by now that this was an article released by the New Yorker. While people are usually urged to get their news from reliable sources, we’d like to point out that the New Yorker is neither reliable nor a news source. It was a brilliant start to my day, seeing people mindlessly sharing the “news” or asking if the incident was real. God bless Egyptians.

 

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Har-eswed!!!

Speaking of the Turkish guy, Tokyo has beaten Istanbul and Madrid in the final vote for the honor of hosting the 2020 Olympic Games. Erdoğan (the Turkish guy) has expressed his disappointment at the fact, arguing that Turkey would have been the better host in order to deliver a much-needed peace-loving message to the region. But as is always the case, Turkey’s disappointment is in no small part due to the massive investments the Turkish government has poured into the project, only to see the honor go to another city. Sorry about that, Turk.

Tokyo celebrates
Tokyo celebrates

In what must have been a slap to the face to any authoritarian household in the Middle East, Saudi Arabia has finally criminalized domestic abuse. One would have thought that it was a very obvious step, one that should have been implemented years ago, but considering the fact that women aren’t allowed to drive there, we can safely say that Saudi Arabia is the Ent of the Modern World (Don’t be hasty).

 

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Some men might argue that not allowing women to drive is actually a good thing (LOL JK YOLO), but we’ve got to admit that domestic violence isn’t a joke. Well, I can probably come up with something, but it wouldn’t be funny. Ah, who am I kidding, of course it would be hilarious… It’s on Cairo Contra, after all!

Ha Ha Ha making fun of Saudi Arabia’s fun, especially seeing as we haven’t passed such a law in Egypt. If they’re the Ent of the modern world, I think this makes us the Ent of the Arab world. I do NOT like what this implies.

Now and for a limited time only, you too can be hilarious in the comment section! Yes, even you! Feel free to comment and share your feelings and vent your anger while we sit here and hear you out because that’s just the kind of people we are. This is a safe place! You could always do that by sending us an email at contact.us@cairocontra.com

 

PS: If you didn’t understand any of the references above, or the article’s title 2alsha, I suggest you either reevaluate your life or euthanize yourself. HAHAHAHAH-I wasn’t kidding.

DISCLAIMER: Cairocontra’s not responsible for any news we publish because we are not a credible source. Use of our articles in scholarly journals or school assignments are highly discouraged. Mahmoud Bondok is AWESOME. We like pie.

 

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