Amuse Bulletin: Nessy Says Hi

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Written by – Mahmoud Bondok

#FromWhereIStand - Kiddin' of course
#FromWhereIStand – Kiddin’ of course

A Jolly gewd morrrrnin’ to ya, mates! Am I retarded, you ask? No, but I thought I’d go for a Scottish accent this time for a change, but then I realized that it’s not as impressive in writing and it just looks like something a four year-old would write, so we’ll just forget this happened, alright? Thank you. Much appreciated. Anyway, so I’ve been in Scotland for about two weeks now, and it’s amazing how you can get out of touch of world news when you live here. Have you ever wondered what it’s like to live somewhere with so few problems that something like “old man gets stabbed in the back” makes headlines? Cute. In Egypt, the only question asked would be “is he Ikhwani?”

I’d hate to bring it up, but anyone who aspires to discuss recent news would have to discuss the mat- Nah, I can’t say it. The football ga- you know what? We’ll just call it the “you know what”. You’ll be pleased to know that we’re not the laughing stock of the world from where I’m standing, because the world doesn’t give a fig and “man gets stabbed” was more important to the news agencies than “Egypt gets raped in a dark Ghanian alley”. I’m ashamed (or relieved?) to say that I haven’t watched the game because I couldn’t find a channel that broadcasted it, but I don’t like watching porn, so it worked quite well for me. The terrible performance by the Egyptian team –where we lost 6-1- was only matched by people’s disappointment, which I find surprising. I only have one question: did you honestly think the Egyptian team was good enough to be in the World Cup? It wouldn’t be fair because if we were good enough, we wouldn’t have been so humiliated on the football pitch.

That Look!
That Look!

For entertainment news, Rihanna –predictably- failed to make Hijab sexy. Not only that, but she was also asked to leave a Dubai mosque because she instagrammed some pictures she’d taken in parts of the mosque that are off-limits to visitors. Tip to Rihanna: the whole point of hijab is to NOT look sexy in order to NOT attract men’s attention. This whole thing you’re doing is an oxymoron, because you’ve attracted every male’s attention to how stupid you look trying to be sexy. Also, when you’re an international superstar, try to understand that your Instagram is probably watched by millions, so disobeying the law and posting pictures of it is probably not the smartest idea. Just sayin’!

HOW DIVINE!
HOW DIVINE!

Ladies and Gentlemen, it has been a pleasure. I’ve utterly enjoyed staying in my hotel room today instead of going out and enjoying my stay here, in order to write this article. I am not at all grinding my teeth and growling angrily as I sit here trying to once more ramp up my word count. Be proud of yourselves. When you go to sleep tonight, I want you to think of my awesome day which was killed in its infancy by your entertainment needs. SHAME!

 

DISCLAIMER: Cairocontra’s not responsible for any news we publish because we are not a credible source. Use of our articles in scholarly journals or school assignments are highly discouraged. Mahmoud Bondok is AWESOME. We like pie.

 

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