Amuse Bulletin: “Insert CATCHY Title”

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Written by Mahmoud Bondok

Welcome back ladies and gentlemen, to another exciting episode of “LOL in Cairo”! In this installment, we are going to discuss many topics which we’re sure you’ll find worthy of your time, and if not, too bad because you’d have just wasted about ten minutes of your life you’re never getting back. However, considering the awesomeness of this blog, I’d advise you to read it anyway.

First order of business is obviously Miley Cyrus. I seem to recall watching Hannah Montana years ago (what? Who said that?! LIES) and occasionally liking the show, well there’s a whole generation growing up to it anyway. Of course, the show was only funny because of her brother “Jackson” and occasionally her father, but still, Hannah’s life was a welcome change from the boredom and averageness of a teenager; she offered a certain degree of hope that we all had that star inside us, waiting to leap out in a ridiculous wig that wouldn’t fool a particularly dumb slime ball. Or so I was told by my sister, because I’ve never watched that show seeing as I was too busy growing chest hair and lifting weights all manly-like.

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twerk .. eww .. sorry!

The former Disney princess seems determined to completely ruin our childhoods, however, by incessantly baring as much skin as possible and sticking her tongue out at MTV Video Music awards while grinding on 32 year-old married men on stage for the whole world to see. It was awkward to see Lady Gaga “out-Gagaed” on stage, but there you have it. It might be worthy of mention that her mom was backstage, cheering and not at all thinking what a failure she was at being a parent; her daughter is an artist goddammit and haters gonna hate.

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Do you see my daughter? because I don’t!

In other news, protests have erupted everywhere with access to a television after it was announced that Ben Affleck would play Batman in the Superman sequel. I have to agree, after his ruining of the superhero “Daredevil” it seems unfair that he would get a second chance so easily, but then again someone might remind me that the casting of Heath Ledger as the Joker had incited similar reactions, so maybe we should give the guy the benefit of the doubt. Matt Damon –who’s a long-time friend of Affleck’s- certainly has, as well as Joss Whedon, who reportedly tweeted that “He’s got the chops; he’s got the chin — just needs the material”. To be fair, we’ve got to agree with that chin thing. But Christian Bale *gasps* oh Christian Bale *bursts into tears*

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Won’t rise

From entertainment to sports, where our Basketball team has actually qualified for the World Cup! It’s nice to see that there are still some people who are actually doing their jobs in this country and after the repeated failures of our national football team- the insulting of which has become our country’s favourite pastime- it’s reassuring to see some of our sports teams actually playing with the big guys. Way to go, team!

And while we’re on sports, the football game between Bayern Munich and Chelsea immediately comes to mind, being definitely one of the most exciting games we’ve ever seen. Like a game of table tennis, the ball went back and forth between the two giants, with Chelsea scoring an early goal and Munich’s Ribery replying with one of his own in the early second half. With the score being tied with one goal each, they went to extra time, with Chelsea’s Eden Hazard scoring the second goal. Chelsea was minutes away from victory when Munich’s Javi Martinez snatched it away with a splendid goal in the very last second, literally, after which they resorted to penalties, where Bayern Munich claimed a hard-earned victory. Phenomenal performance by both teams, and one game we’ll remember for years even though I didn’t watch the game and am writing this paragraph based on reviews I’ve read.

Respect!
Respect

This brings us to the end of… Wait, what? Not yet? Fiiiine. Before we tie up this article, we think we should mention the new emerging trend that brides and bridesmaids seem to be picking up at an alarming rate, resulting in pictures like this:

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OH GOD WHHHHYYYY??

And this:

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And then our entire army died screaming in agony

*tries to hold on to whatever’s left of his manly desires for the other sex, apologies to you all real ladies out there*

*pretends this is all part of a non-existent virtual illusion attack and none of it actually occurred in real life*

*sighs*

OK! This is a testament to the Egyptian mind that we can’t even keep politics out of our weddings. I’m betting they’ll name their first-borns “Abdelfattah” after El-Sisi… And maybe when the kid does something wrong, they’ll tell him to behave or he’d turn out to be like “3ammo Badee3”, at which point the kid starts crying and promises to be a good boy because he doesn’t want to be thrown in jail.

I think this is it for now. BUT, you can still help me recover my mental shock by showing me some love through your feedback comments or emails on contact.us@cairocontra.com

 

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