Amuse Bulletin: EgY AaRmy LOoVErrzzzzZz

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Written by Mahmoud Bondok

 

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HAHAHAHA remember that one time when you fell asleep and woke up 8 hours later to find the Egyptian Army the biggest thing since fool sandwiches? Yeah, me neither. I just find it very ironic that barely more than a year ago, it was treason to support the army but now you’re simply not cool if you don’t have El-Sisi’s photo as your profile picture, or if you aren’t blasting “Teslam El Ayady”.

Speaking of blasting, remember the time when women had self-respect and apparently also lost it overnight (#Segue_fail)? I’m speaking about Donia Samir Ghanem’s song. In case you’ve been living under a rock lately, because apparently everyone loves this song for some reason, Donia Samir Ghanem has released a song about how she is powerless to refuse her macho man anything and that she does everything he tells her to do like a good little woman. Here’s a link. 

(Remember the time I didn’t use “Remember the time…” jokes every ten seconds?)

This is of course, old news. The new News, if you will, is that our lovely “sensor of generation” has decided to extrapolate on the woman-hating, to reach an all-time-high fever pitch in which he’s also thrown Snoop Dogg (Snoop Lionn?) for good measure (get it? All time HIGH? Snoop Dogg? You guys suck!). Somehow, I doubt Snoop wasn’t informed of what exactly the song meant in Arabic. If he were, he’d assume Tchimo considered himself a pimp and do the song anyway. That’s sad. I’ll give Tchimo one thing though; regardless of the sad wreck of Arab civilization that his song symbolizes, getting hold of Snoop is definitely an achievement. He’ll be crossing off his bucket list.

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Wait, I take that back. What the hell is that?

Which brings us to sports. What is wrong with my segues today? Anyway, Ghana has officially requested that the much-awaited upcoming game with Egypt -which was supposed to be hosted by Egypt- be moved to anywhere else. The official reason they cited was that they feared for their team and their supporters’ well-being (they have supporters?) and Egypt is not very safe at present. At the risk of being dubbed a traitor, I’ve got to say that I agree with them… if fifty people died on a day of national pride and celebrations then, I don’t even want to think what would happen to the away team if Egypt were to lose that game. Long story short, there would be a new type of favorite meat for Egyptians, and no one will bother to ask where it came from.

Remember the time- nah just kidding. Well, actually no. Remember the time we didn’t live in GTA Vice City? Apparently, neither did the guys who shot a frigging RPG missile at a satellite station in Maadi. Seriously. For realsies. T to the R to the UTH. I’m all for the war on terror guys, really I am, but could you please take it to the desert and leave Maadi out of it? My parents work there, my favorite pizza place is there, and forget my parents but if so much as a bullet gets near that pizza place, I’m gonna smack a hoe. Or we can ask Tchimo the pimp to do it instead (AWWWWW SNAP).

Say what you will of the political turmoil, but if anything, at least Egyptians can probably sleep through a nuclear war now. Anyway, this brings us to the end of an exciting new post, ladies and gents. I hope you enjoyed it, and I hope that RPG missile didn’t wake you guys up pfffft HAHAHAHAHAHAHA of course it didn’t.

 

DISCLAIMER: Cairocontra’s not responsible for any news we publish because we are not a credible source. Use of our articles in scholarly journals or school assignments are highly discouraged. Mahmoud Bondok is AWESOME. We like pie.

 

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