Written by Rana M. Taha
Breaking bad: Cairo and Ankara announce they’re “on a break”
New couple Cairo and Ankara proved that relationships built over clerics’ love and soap operas are not sustainable when the couple experienced a bad break-up on Saturday.
Cairo threw the bomb early morning, announcing she’s “through with Ankara’s constant attempt to control me!” The rebellious belle insisted Ankara had been interfering in decisions such as her attire, her curfew and the way she should generally run her life ever since she rebelled against her Islamist guardian last June and got adopted instead by a veteran family.
“He’s been trying to provoke me by applauding my sick, ex-guardian in front of everybody else,” Cairo said. “It’s bad enough he’s giving me a hard time, but to bad-mouth me to his creepy friends, that’s what I’d never let happen.”
Ankara, meanwhile, didn’t seem too surprised to hear the news of Cairo breaking up with him. “I saw it coming,” he said Saturday afternoon, composed as could be. “What else do you expect from a girl who rebelled against her own family?”
Ankara claimed he wasn’t trying to control Cairo, but rather “looking out for her best interest.”
“I’ve been tricked by army veterans for at least four times in the past 50 years,” Ankara said. “I loved Cairo too much and just didn’t want her to face the same fate. I’m sure she’ll eventually come around, I’m just hoping it won’t be too late.”
Friends of the couple confirmed Cairo sent back all Ankara’s gifts in a wrapped box with a card reading: “it’s over”. The gifts included tickets to a tourism trip in Istanbul and the full episodes of the television series Fatma.
Tourists’ disappointed ancient Egyptian statue is not haunted by a god
Tourist queues outside the Manchester museum declined after the tourists were told the reason an ancient Egyptian statue was rotating was “just” scientific.
The tourists have been flocking to the museum ever since a video went viral of the statue of Neb-Suk, Egyptian god of the dead, rotating on its own accord.
The museum curator said most tourists believed that Neb-Suk had haunted the statue, which prompted them to check it out.
“They would arrive, awfully curious,” he said. “Soon, their curiosity would be turned to fear as soon as they would see the statue rotate. But they would leave satisfied.”
The curator added that the “scientific” explanation to the rotation phenomenon cost the statue its “allure”.
“Looks like the statue’s heyday is over,” he concluded. “Nothing is fascinating about watching a statue rotate due to minute traffic and footfall vibrations.”
United States and Iran agree to tone down bad romance
Meanwhile, happy endings were in action as long time enemies the United States (aka US) and Iran finally reached common ground after years of angry fights that eventually dragged them to court.
The couple, which has been heavily engaged in a love-hate relationship for decades, miraculously agreed to put their differences aside and reach concession for the greater good of their neighbours. Iran compromised part of its growing business and in return, the US said it will decrease the amount of Iran’s halted allowance.
Close acquaintances confirmed signs of improvement began surfacing as soon as the couple started to engage in long phone calls.
Most of the couple’s neighbours welcomed the news of the truce except for their two distant neighbours Israel and Saudi Arabia; both agreed against the couple’s settlement.
“It’s a historic mistake,” Israel said. “It has not made the district a safer place. This agreement has made the district a much more dangerous place.”
As a response, the passive aggressive neighbour began building doghouses in the contested garden it has been fighting Palestine over for decades.
Bassem Youssef awarded for being banned
Egyptian satirist Bassem Youssef was granted the Committee to Protect Journalists’ (CPJ) Press Freedom Award on Tuesday for managing to piss off his viewers to the extent that his show was cancelled.
The Egyptian satirist’s weekly show was suspended “until further notice” by Egyptian private-owned satellite channel CBC after Youssef made fun of the growing mania over Egypt’s defacto leader, general commander of the armed forces Abdel Fatah Al-Sisi.
“We are proud of Youssef’s satire,” CPJ director said during the event. “He perfectly implemented the number-one rule of journalism; upset those whom you cover.”
Youssef was happy to accept the award, expressing gratitude for CBC for cancelling his show and therefore “handing me such a valuable award on a silver plate.”
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