Amuse Bulletin: Actual News

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Written by Mahmoud Bondok

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It goes against my beliefs, and everything I stand for… even my very being, to be serious. It’s scientifically proven. My father had me tested. Anyway, my point being that I have never actually sat down with the intent of giving away actual news. Because who the hell would look for news on something called “Amuse Bulletin”? Be that as it may, I woke up today and I thought to myself: “You know what? Let’s surprise people. Let’s give them news.” And here I am.

Sami Anan, previous SCAF deputy chairman, has announced in a press conference in Marsa Matrouh his will to run for president in the upcoming presidential elections.  Or so my Facebook Newsfeed believes. Upon reading this bit of news, I tirelessly set upon uncovering the truth for our loyal readers, in my endless quest for the truth. Days and nights were spent at remote Saharan outposts and abandoned Serbian submarine bases until I- Nah, I googled “Sami Anan for President”. Apparently, at least according to Al-masry Al-yom, Anan has denied all allegations, claiming that this is a critical time in modern Egyptian history, and that we need to stick together for the greater good. You really thought I’d give you real news?!

In other (Non) news, United Kingdom Independence Party leader, Nigel Farage, has suffered a minor mishap on BBC. Reportedly conservative, even considered a racist and a fascist by his teachers at Dulwich College, Mr. Farage was voicing his harsh immigration views when an awesomely-timed glitch gave him a Hitler moustache.  I believe in destiny and that everything happens for a reason, but even I am not oblivious enough to assume that this wasn’t done on purpose by two awesome BBC guys, laughing their “arses” off while hi-fiving furiously.

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Gotta love them Brits.

From Britain to the US, where Republican Senator John McCain has reportedly responded to Putin’s opinion piece in the New York Times, which was a rational, polite plea for the American people to consider the war on Syria and its global ramifications. Even though President Obama had declared earlier that he welcomed Mr. Putin’s opinion and that it wasn’t a Cold War, senator McCain was less gracious. In a political move that was no doubt meant as a bluff, he addressed Putin with the political equivalent of “let’s see how you like it if I do the same”, to which Pravda, a Russian news agency, responded by expressing their will to publish an opinion piece written by Senator McCain.

Supposedly to save face, McCain decided to write a piece that was not only arrogant and insulting, but also highlighted that he had nothing to say other than a glorified “Dem Ruskies need a good ol’ ‘Murican freedom knuckle sandwich” with a hint of “don’t be talkin’ to me like dat, mmmhhmmmm” <finger snap> and just a slight dash of “Putin be crayyyyy”. I’m just glad McCain didn’t win the presidential elections… with this guy’s aggressive policies, forget about Syria… he would probably have authorized a US invasion of Thailand, with McCain’s only reasoning being “Because I can, WOOOHOOOO, ‘MURICA NUMBER ONE!!!!”.

At any rate, Putin is the clear winner of this exchange, which is highlighted by the fact that he hasn’t even responded to the Senator’s criticism… which is his own opinion, and does not reflect the US’s actual stance, also highlighted by the fact that president Obama hasn’t commented either. I think they’ve reached an unspoken consent to ignore senator McCain, much like a toddler’s parents would if he yelled out “I LIKE PIE, GIVE ME ATTENTION” while they were having a disagreement. Is it too late to mention that McCain was caught playing Texas Holdem on his iPhone while the Congress was deciding whether or not to bomb Syria? I’m no expert on child psychology, but I think taking away his iPhone would teach him a lesson. Just Sayin’.

DISCLAIMER: Cairocontra’s not responsible for any news we publish because we are not a credible source. Use of our articles in scholarly journals or school assignments are highly discouraged. Mahmoud Bondok is AWESOME. We like pie.

 

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